Inspired in part by Lady T. and her declaration of August as Bad Movie Month, we bring you the very first movie review on our humble little blog.Now, as you may have noticed, I have a little thing for superheroes. OK, I have a big thing for superheroes. And I tend to cut big screen adaptations a little slack. I understand that the translation from page to camara can't always be an exact carbon translation. Some of my favorites - Tim Burton's darkly gothic Batman films or Richard Donner's take on Superman, for example - deviate wildly. But I still enjoy. Alas, sometimes this was not to be the case when it came to the long delayed meeting of myself and Catwoman.
I know what you're saying, "But J. that stinker came out last summer to critical scorn and dismal box office. And it's been on DVD for months!" Well, like hell was I going to pay money, be it a ticket or a rental, for something I was guaranteed to hate. But when a movie hits cable TV, all bets are off. And lo and behold this weekend past, FB was over and happened upon it. Now it was free! (Sort of. You know what I mean).
I don't think it will come as a shock that the plot has some major holes. For one thing, this plot was obviosuly written when Michelle Pfeiffer (the world's second best, live action Catwoman) was being sought to reprise her Catwoman in a non-Batman movie. Right down to certain visual references that remain, it's pretty obvious this script owes a debt to Burton's slightly pyschotic version of our beloved Selina Kyle. But Halle Berry isn't playing Selina Kyle. She's not even playing a nondescript Catwoman like Julie Newmar (and Eartha Kitt and Lee Meriwether after her). She's Patience Phillips, possibly the stupidest name this side of Apple Martin(i) or CoCo (koo koo!) Arquette. And just like Burton's Selina Kyle, she kinda sorta dies and is brought back to life by cats. Unlike Selina Kyle, she sucks. And also she kinda turns into a cat. Seriously, she's afraid of rain. It's that bad.
The direction is a cracked-out music video style. Halle Berry, who really camps it up (though perhaps not intentionally), claims the director barely spoke English. Benjamin Bratt blandly plays Patience's love interest, a police detective (all Catwomen have a thing for detectives it seems). To be honest, this guy is stupider than Lois Lane could ever be. Patience is as far as I can tell), just about the only black woman in town and yet he's not sure if she's Catwoman. Also, he looks really bad in close-ups. They give poor, underused Frances Conroy (late of Six Feet Under) a frosted lens in ever shot she's in and couldn't even managed to hide Benji's fine lines. And don't get me started on the CGI cats. Are animal actors really that expensive that special effects are more cost effective? Or did all of the cats require a script that made sense before they'd sign on?
Believe it or not, I did find some bright spots in this movie. First of all, since this isn't Selina Kyle, the real Catwoman emerges unscathed. Second, Alex Borstein is really great as the best friend/co-worker who succumbs to the effects of the evil cosmetics company before getting a deserved happy ending. Third, Sharon Stone looks fantastic in all of the photographs they have draped around the cosmetic company's offices. Sure, the character she's playing makes no sense, but if her career has survived just about everything post-Basic Instinct, it can certainly survive this.
This screening by the way, took two viewings. The movie was so bad, I fell asleep halfway through (leaving poor FB - remember him? - alone with Patience and her problems) and had to catch up the next day (bless that OnDemand feature Charter gives me!). To make myself and you feel better, I'll leave us all with the one, true Catwoman....
-J.
This post was sponsored by the Statuesque Committee.
8 comments:
Halle Berry was certainly no Michelle Pfeiffer that is for damn sure. I have seen Julie Newmar in the old batman shows I think, but I am not too familiar with her.
Good God. Don't I feel a wee bit old now? :)
I used to watch the old batman shows every day. They were on in the afternoons or something, and they played 2 episodes back to back so you could see the resolution to the inevitable cliffhanger. But my take is that the old-school catwomen were way better than any modern day one...
Especially crazy big-budget flop ones.
I remember that, when channel 11 used to run them after school. It was just after the first Batman movie came out. Good times...
I'll grant you that Eartha was pretty good, though - and pretty daring casting, to boot. But Lee Meriwether was piss poor. Sure, Michelle's was a reviosionist Catwoman, but I'm still a sucker for that gothic take on the Batverse. Probably because I thought I was sooo dark back then. Ha!
How odd. I make a comment on my blog referring to "To Wong Foo" and the London brothers, then I come over here and you have Julie Newmar.
I probably prefer Eartha Kitt, but Vida, Noxeema and and Chi-Chi leave a sentimental spot in my heart for Ms. Newmar.
Little known fact... The Batman TV show was the saviour of breakfast televison in the UK in the 80s (during some strike). Adam West & co. became huge huge stars again, and everyone started watching TV before 9am!
First off,I'm pleased to have inspired your new blog entry. Second,Julie Newmar was the best Catwoman on the Adam West Batman(I use to watch it on channel 11,too!). Julie really made the role her own and had fun with it. Eartha Kitt had the best Catwoman voice(which made me want to smack Halle Berry for trying to do a impersonation of it in some of her fight scenes).
I actually saw Catwoman when it was out(we had a free ticket,thanks to a promotional DVD purchase)and it was thankfully offset by seeing The Bourne Supremacy right after it(another free ticket). Halle Berry's costume was the worst S-and-M Roger Corman ripoff I have ever seen and her acting was no better. I hope they don't give her a Storm solo movie because she's barely tolerable in the X-Men movies.
Angela Basset should've been Storm,IMO.
I still mourn the fact that Angela Basset didn't bring Storm to life. Instead we got wavering accents and wigs. All throughout Catwoman I kept thinking, "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?" Ugh.
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