Today we get a little confessional:

I love being depressed.

OK, not actually depressed. Been there. It sucks. No, I'm talking about that semi-artificial kind of depression you only get from music, the movies, and TV. I guess it just makes me feel better about my life to see something heavier than my problems put down as art. Some people watch Jerry Springer for the same reason, I hear. In any event, for me, it's Dolly Parton ("Me & Little Andy," "Dagger Through The Heart," or "The Grass Is Blue"), Joni Mitchell ("A Case of You"), Billie Holiday (Lady In Satin - the whole album). See also: the "Wise Up" sequence in the movie Magnolia. And one particular commercial.

Yes, I said commercial.

Sure, I've been sad when characters have died on my shows or at the end of a series. But nothing has ever traumatized me like that stupid Campbell's Soup commerical...The one where a little girl is dropped off to live with a new family, all Punky Brewster-like. Oh my God, was she orphaned? Abandoned? Just poorly parented in a ghetto somewhere? Either way, she meets Foster Mom and her sympathetic eyes with steely, mute resolve at the door. Until Foster Mom brings in a bowl of tomato soup, Campbell's can in full view. Then Lil' Mutie pipes up:

"My Mommy used to make this soup for me."

Gulp. Worst fears confirmed. Real Mom is...DEAD! Overdose? Cancer? And where is Dad? Jail? Oh God. I can't handle it. Where is this going? Then Foster Mom intones,

"My mom did too. Maybe we talk about them over lunch."

Orphan Girl smiles. Foster Mom smiles. The announcer shills condensed soup at me one last time. And then Ally McBeal is back with her delusions. Orphan Girl's fine now. Ally's as fine as a crazy woman can be. But I am a mess. Does she get placed for adoption or will she go through a slew of dysfunctional foster homes a la White Oleander? I never get my resolution. But I work through some deep-seeded shit that no therapist could ever pull out, unless they had the commercial on TiVo.

Anyhow, that's I meant by I like to be depressed. Being depressed over your own problems sucks. But empathizing with a Campbell's soup orphan? That's not just good and cheap therapy, it's damn good comedy, as this post proves.

Night kids. This is way past my bedtime...

-J.

This post was sponsored by Lil' Orphan Cannie's Committee.