How about Bad Parent Camp?

On Wednesday night, the gym was nearly empty. The cute trainer who usually calls me "Sir" refrained from embarrassing me further and just offered a friendly, "How's it going?" The night was going to go well and I was prepared for the intense workout I'd been threatening for weeks. I had no idea I would need it to work out the aggression I was about to build up.

Before we get to it, I need to clarify a few things. Mercury, the ruler of my astrological house, is in retrograde. You may not (hell, I may not) believe in astrology most of the year. But when Mercury goes into retrograde? You will believe. The communication goes wonky and both halves of my split selves split into a million Gemini. Also, I am man-struating. I know this because of how agitated I've been at work lately. Also, I've need chocolate more desperately than Lindsey Lohan needs a protein and brain cell stuffed sandwich. And while trips to Disneyland are great, they very often make me crowd-sensitive (more on that later...).

So, what got my goat this night? ABC's latest "reality" TV masterpiece: Brat Camp*. A group of troubled teens get sent out into the wilderness by their parents for 60 days, over the holiday season. These kids get described as compulsive lying, hyperactive, drug addicted BRATS. What's the best way to turn a wayward kid around? Send them away from their family just before Thanksgiving for two months, have them carted around by other people and shove cameras in their faces. As opposed to just parenting your kids yourself. If your child reaches the point where threatening you not only becomes commonplace, it becomes effective, there's no easy way to say this: You did something everything wrong. Children don't get ideas out of thin air and if they got them from someone or something else, you didn't instill strong enough values in them.

I am not an expert on parenting. I have no children and no plans to have any. But I ain't a fry cook, either. And I know for damn sure when my fries are undercooked, overcooked, or just plain burrrrnt. So while I'm not judging people, I am pointing a finger here. I hate the idea that because you didn't discipline your child, your "last resort" is to hand them off to strangers. Teens with behavior issues have self esteem issues, make no doubt about it. What they will perceive here is rejection. And that does wonders for low self esteem.

Beyond the exploitive, cruel nature of such a program, there's the question of results. Beat me down for 60 days, walk the hell out of me, and attack my emotions at their most vulnerable, I'd crack. I'd have that "breakthrough" (although I'd see it as a breakdown). These kids will undoubtedly do the same. But they will go back home to the same family that was afraid to parent them (which to me is the same as being afraid of loving them). And if those habits don't creep up again, it will be a miracle.

Don't get me wrong - I know kids from "good" homes fall of the wagon plenty. I know most parents mean well. My parents meant well and screwed up plenty. But when it gets to extremes, I can't stand the mentality of people looking to avoid their own culpability. And it hurts me to see these kids - none of them "brats," none of them bad kids - cast off to be "shaped and molded" by a wilderness experiences spearheaded by people who go by "Earth Names" like Mountain Wind. Hey, hippies*: These kids are forced to lay bare their own emotions and experiences. The least you could do is go by your real name.

At Disneyland, as FB & I waited for the fireworks show, there was a family seated very close to us. As the four-year-old got restless, as four-year-olds tend to be, the mother snapped. "Look, I'm tired, hungry, and I have cramps. Could you just be quiet?!!?" All this poor little wanted was to have a good time at the Happiest Place on Earth. Too bad she had to bring her mom along.

I wish I could round up the parents and send them on a wilderness experience. Force them to forage for food and hike miles a day. Ask them why their children are in such trouble. Make them cry with manipulative letters and activities. Family therapy has to be about the same price as these trips. Heaven forbid we should all admit we have problems.

Parenting is hands down the most important and most difficult job in the world. You will inevitably make mistakes. The biggest one is to just give up. No child is hopeless unless their parents lack faith in them.

- J.

p.s. (Sorry, folks, I don't stand on the soapbox all that often. I'll let time pass before the next one.)

This post was sponsored by the No Brat Left Behind Committee.

*no disrepect is meant to actual hippies or any students of the Brat Boy School. (I had to lighten up the tone, folks...)