FLASHBACK!

When I was a kid, I was spoiled rotten. I had more action figures than anybody I knew. Despite my status as a bona fide sissy, I was really into the Masters of the Universe and G.I. Joe toys. My big passion has been and still is superheroes. (All things Superman make me happy, if you're looking for a birthday gift sometime.)

One of the more unique toys I hadwas a Lion-O figure from the Thundercats line. His eyes lit up if you pressed into his back with this weird battery powered accessory - it looked like a little rocket, a futuristic lipstick, and a little like a sexual pleasure device. (It did require a battery, after all!) I lost that bit, as kids are wont to do and couldn't light up Lion-O's eyes anymore. Couldn't, that is, until one day he was sitting too close to the microwave and I noticed them eyes flicker a little. Being the ingenious brat I was, I figured his eyes would work even better in the microwave. So for a few weeks, whenever my parents weren't looking or were out of the house, I would sneak him into the kitchen, turn off the lights and chant "Thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS! HO!"

And then one day, I took it too far.

Normally, Lion-O's stay in the micro lasted only a few seconds - ten at the most. But on this day, I got greedy, as kids are wont to do. I hit 00:30 on the pad and at about the 15 second mark...

LION-O's HEAD FUCKING EXPLODED AND CAUGHT ON FIRE!

Panicked, I disposed of the body after rinsing of his charred head in the sink, but my parent's car pulled into the driveway just as I began cleaning out the now pitch black insides of the unharmed appliance. I tried to explain it away by saying the chili I was reheating had exploded (this happened quite frequently, actually) but they weren't buying. The smell of burnt plastic probably gave me away before the visual. Also, I should have disposed on the body in the outside trash can. I wasn't as ingenious as I thought, I guess.

By the end of my spanking, I was wishing my head had exploded and caught on fire.

-J

This post was sponsored by The Nostalgia Committee.