Thanksgiving '05: The Post Game Wrap-Up

After last year's fun but ultimately draining Thanksgiving, I declared that this year I wasn't cooking or hosting. So when friends invited myself (and everybody's pal FB) over, I jumped at the chance. I even managed to slip out of most of the softball assignment I got - a salad and a bottle of wine. FB lovingly labored over the salad, perfecting the taste to his liking, leaving me to choose a wine for myself, which I did in less than five minutes at the supermarket (a 2004 Pinor Noir, FYI). FB almost bought a wine called Cockburn's but he decided to go with something, um, less in your face. I know - I was surprised, too.

We arrived about a half and hour before food was set to start. Salad was set down, hellos were exchanged, introductions were made. Oh, and wine was poured. Freely. And Often. A little background: as people are wont to do on days like this, breakfast was skipped. As lunchtime approached, FB and I realized we'd ruin our appetites if we ate lunch. Not wanting to insult our gracious hosts, we did what any sensible gay man and his BFF would do - we went to The Coffee Bean and got one large Iced Blended apiece to tide us over and keep our energy. Needless to say, that first glass of wine did plenty more to me than it usually would have. By the third glass, I was almost falling over in front of new people. Luckily they seemed amused by it. The food was served slightly late, leaving me no choice but to have a fourth glass. Tipsy and social, with plenty funny to boot, I felt like Goldie Hawn (more on her later). Anyway, the meal was delicious. The man of the house outdid himself. My favorite dish was the stuffing - the sausage stuffing, that is. That elicited as many giggles at the table as it did as I typed (and hopefully, as you read it!).

The cast of characters was as rich as the menu. Besides the adorable host and hostess, there was a British actress and her husband, a hilarious single gal who was so funny she deserves two sitcoms and a Friar's club roast, a young and lovely married gay couple, a young and lovely married straight couple, a really cute and funny 'mo, and a smattering of other hilarious folks ("The Rest") who came in a little later, and of course FB and yours truly. At any point, I expected a live reenactment of Clue to break out. It would have been awesome. Alas, something even better happened: bad dating and Hollywood horror stories. Being that more than half of the attendees work the back half (aka the thankless jobs) in the entertainment industry, there were quite a few brilliant stories shared about "the talent." I can't share the names* of the horror stories because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. But I can tell you what I learned without names:

1. Certain pop stars are very attached to their dogs. And while they leave said dog in their suite in order to flit about an amusement park, their boy toys will sometimes venture down a strip club and bring home a "friend." This cause much hilarious I Love Lucy-like scrambling in order to avoid a full-on diva explosion.
2. B-level sitcom stars can get really demanding and bitchy for no good. Karma's a bitch as they very often end up out of a job and without a limelight.
3. B-level movie stars can be even worse, despite an even steeper drop from fame's heights.
4. A-level superstars can manage to travel without demands, just the basics.
5. A-level movie stars often book out all of first class so they can bring along their same-sex "friend."
6. Certain Oscar winners are very cheap and try to cheat you out of more comped tickets than they deserve.
7. Executives are, of course, far worse than stars could ever be.
8. Goldie Hawn is exactly as you would imagine, only nicer and funnier apparently. (OK, one name just to tide you over).
9. If a guy with a really, really small penis invites you to Micronesia, say yes. Just because the joke is too good to be passed up.
10. A 20-minute long blind date may equal disaster, but it makes a for great party joke story.

I learned more, but you get the point. A good time was had by all and a drama-free Thanksgiving was had. Next year, maybe, just maybe I'll cook again. But if I'm promised gossip and red-wine drunkeness within minutes of arriving, I'm taking the invite and bringing the salad, no question.

-J.

*Yes, if I know you in person, or if we ever meet, I will happily blab the names and details to you. Duh!

This post was sponsored by the Sausage Stuffing (tee hee!) Committee.