The New Black.

Dear Readers,

Tonight we'll be addressing a pressing issue facing Homosexual Americans, nay, homosexuals worldwide. You're walking down the street, you see a guy - maybe you check out his ass, maybe you make eye contact, maybe you just gasp and stop the world for a second. As you ponder approaching him (or maybe just ponder leering for a little while longer), something happens. Maybe he opens his mouth and says something unexpected. Worse, maybe he leans in to kiss his girlfriend. Not merely a friend who happens to be a girl, but his opposite- sex, non-platonic life partner. (I know, I know. Gross. Bear with me. Method to this madness exists).
You my friend, have just been stung by the modern day bee that is the FauxMosexual.

FB made observation of the proliferation of the FauxMo this weekend while we were out rummaging through after-Christmas sales. While the term isn't something he coined, it really hit the nail on the head for me. We're not talking about closeted guys (They-Don't-Know-Mosexual), once out but now back in the closet "reformed gays" (FormerSexual). And we are definitely not talking about straight guys who like the occasional manicure or get their eyebrows waxed (the ever-popular Metrosexual).

The men in question may be "completely" heterosexual (if such a thing exists - yuck!), but nevertheless they have been in love with someone of the same sex their whole lives: The man in any given mirror. He is indeed the sexiest bitch on the face of the Earth God has the good sense to gift him to. And it is with the help, both witting and unwitting, of the modern homosexual male (Homo Superior) that this cunning parasite finds himself a partner. A platonic partner, natch.

Maybe it's because men are more visual creatures than women. Maybe it's because, lacking male role models, gay men often model themselves after strong women to attract other gay men. Maybe it's a combination of that and other variables. The fact remains undeniable that gay men often pay an inordinate amount of time making sure they look good. It was only a matter of time before this positive aspect of gay life would be exploited. Makeover after makeover and Metrosex City, U.S.A. was suddenly a reality.

In other words, a few years ago, "Gay" became the new "Black." Not simply in the fashion sense (as in, "Black is always the new black"), but in the way many suburban white kids took (and continue to take) cues from their perception of "Black" culture. Queer Eye For The Straight Guy was the harbinger of it all. Suddenly, owning a pair of tweezers and a bottle of Oil of Olay night cream is OK for straights. Don't get me wrong - the dropping of stupid gender straitjacketing isn't a bad thing. But this is not where it ends for the FauxMo.

The modus operandi of the FauxMo is as such: use the outward tools of their perception of "Gay" to garner attention. What kind of attention? Generally, it doesn't matter. You see, the FauxMo is a narcissist first, and homophobe second, if at all. Any attention is good attention, because it means someone finds you as irresisitible as you find yourself (as if that were possible!). In the end, these guys also use their skills to work into the lives of women. Women who like gay men (FagHags, Fruit Flies, Graces - as in Will &...) will feel less threatened on first contact, probably because she'll think he's Flaming 'Mo as opposed to an imposter. Inevitably, he will work his "charms" and bewitch the occasional woman. Let's face, what girl isn't a little turned on by gay guys. We listen and make funny jokes in between, and we almost always take your side. Like, the Viceroy Butterfly or the Scarlet King Snake, he looks and walks like a duck. But sister, he ain't a duck.

Ladies you will never - no matter how hard you try - love the FauxMo as much as he loves himself and he will never love you as much as that, either. You will always come second to arched brows, tight shirts, and temper tantrums. The looks of the unsuspecting gays at the mall will mean as much to him (if not more) as the way you look at him. And while he may be great help picking outfits to wear and shopping, this has more to do with making sure you don't show him up, while at the same time complementing his own look. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Yes, I know, there are larger social issues (such as the "good enough to groom us, not good enough to be grooms" mentality of many closed-minded straights) at hand. But my point is this: It's great that straight men are taking an interest in their appearance. But I miss the days when men were men and Mos were not. As the lines blur, it just becomes harder to know who to hit on. Brokeback Mountain isn't helping any, either. I guess we're all stuck with the direct approach when it comes to finding a boy. Just ask if he's gay. That or doing what I find works best: paying for sex.

Just kidding, kids! Have a happy and safe New Year if I don't manage to post by then!

-J.

This post was sponsored by the FauxMo Years! Committee.