I finally saw it.

There is a world of difference between a well-made film and a great movie. Imagine being in a museum and viewing a painting whose form you can study and appreciate, but doesn't move you as you think the subject matter should. Or a song that tells something so close to your story in an exquisite way, but never hooks you in. Such was the case with my viewing of Brokeback Mountain yesterday. Perhaps I went in with too high of expectations. I thought my heart would be broken by the end of the film. In the end, I was left with more questions than praise.

I didn't dislike the movie, and I had a great respect for the filmmaking. But I found myself reveling in the details rather than the big picture, if you will. A glorious score and soundtrack was at the top of the list, rivaled by Heath Ledger's shockingly brilliant performance. As The Princess, FB, and I left the theater (what? you think I went to a depressing movie on the gloomiest days of this days- old year alone), we were all remarking and marvelling at how his entire body seemed to give way to the character's emotions. The cast was uniformly good (Anne Hathaway has a choice moment of subtlety toward the end of the movie) and the direction was crisp and captured the setting beautifully.

I tried to deconstruct why I didn't connect. FB (anyone remember when he was BF and people thought that meant BoyFriend, not Best Friend and then he changed to FB just to be random and people thought it meant F*ck Buddy? Good times.) and I discussed this at length afterwards and neither of us could pinpoint what didn't connect for us. At one point, FB out it out there, "I'm not going to say I like it just because I'm gay, but...if I were a movie reviewer I'd be a total hypocrite and get everyone to go see it." And here I am, less than 24 hours later, trying to figure out why I didn't "get" it. A lot of people love this movie. A lot of straight people love hits movie. When certain uncomfortable images flash onscreen at one point, I heard and felt the audience wince. This was the same audience that had giggled uncomfortably earlier in the movie during a kiss. The characters, the actors, the story, the idea that these two men loved each other won them over. That's a hell of an accomplishment.

I walked out of the theatre more puzzled than disappointed. I've sat through movies where I'd wasted money and/or time. This was neither or those experiences. I can honestly say I'm still on the fence. I felt great sympathy for these men and their wives and children. Nobody in this story gets a fair shake. It was more than honest filmmaking in that regard. Today, I've been asked by friends and co-workers if I thought it was good (I guess I'm the "gay expert" or something). Each time I've said, "Yes..." and let it hang there for second before trying to explain that I appreciated it more than I liked it, that is to say, I respected it, but didn't love it. I guess in an odd way, the movie made me feel what some people might have felt about Jack & Ennis. It was obviously good art, as I am still thinking about it tonight. Thoughts, anyone?

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Does Mean I Don't Get To Keep The Toaster? Committee