Hurt So Good.

Longtime readers will recall that I started a journey almost exactly one year ago. I joined a gym, tired of feeling tired. I also wanted to look cute again (eye of the beholder, I know - it was only my eye I was concerned with). If anyone's keeping count, I've lost about 36 lbs and gone down two pant sizes. But that's not the point, although it is nice. Bored with circuit and with weights and treadmills and ellipitical machines, I have taken to self-flagellation. (Head out of the gutters, kids!). Almost two months, the Princess introduced me to the world of Pilates (invented by the demonic lookin' dude to our left, Mr. Joseph Pilates. I still trust him more than L. Ron Hubbard!)

Pilates is basically a serious of stretches designed to torture. It really makes you realize that Madonna is one crazy bitch. Anybody who can do this on a daily basis is a more than a little tetched. Who knows - maybe there's something in that Kabbalah water that makes you more flexible. At $26 bucks a pop, the red string couldn't hurt, either.

Now, to the right, kiddies, is a simple chart illustrating the basic positions in mat pilates, the discipline I'mpracticing these days. It all looks innocent and harmless in stick figure format, as most things do. But these are things that could get mobsters and nuns to spill secrets. Has anyone here seen Kill Bill, Vol. 2? I'm obsessed with the whole Kill Bill thing. Several times during tonight's class, I felt like Ms. Kiddo when Pai Mai is twisting her arm and threatening to chop it off. Except I knew I wouldn't be cool enough to slice through a bunch of samurai after it was all done. I can barely slice through the shower afterwards.

I do, however, owe the loss of a nagging 7lbs or so that I couldn't drop for about three months to this class. I have an ass all of the sudden and my abs are even starting to come in! Almost a year of machines, walking non stop everywhere and careful attention to my eating habits didn't do that. Getting myself into positions that could make me plenty popular if used recreationally did.

If these are the results of torture, sign me up when Gitmo opens a gym.

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Pontius Pilates Committee.