Still Lit.

The case before the jury. Does J. not have enough regular weekday fun or was this a night of debauchery best left to rarity?

Exhibit A: Last Tuesday I stumbled into my apartment after midnight, wearing this sticker on the crotch level on my jeans. Some work friends and I shared a couple of Adios MoFo buckets at the local piano bar's open mic night. It was given to me by one of those kindly beer girls - in the olden days they were called "wenches" - who showed up somewhere between my first and second go at entertaining the bar with my girlish falsetto and my ability to channel dead soul legends. It lead some middle aged drunk lady to comment on the strategic placement of my sticker. This offended my slightly tipsy friend - we'll call her Amanda. "How dare she?!?! What if I was your girlfriend?!"

To which I responded...

Exhibit B: ... "Calm down, baby. She obviously missed me rockin' the FauxHawk, my cutest jeans and a Blondie t-shirt while making eyes at the karaoke host. And isn't that your husband sitting on the other side of your Adios bucket?"

"Yes and yes, but if anyone's going to make inappropriate comments about your crotch tonight, it's me. You Will - I Grace. Got it?"

I've gotta admit that she had a point. In the absence of the Princess, Amanda's got the rights to be the, um, Peanut Gallery (no snickering, kids!). Except the part about the crotch exclusivity - she'd best not have blocked if the host had made a comment about my crotch.

Anyhow, after I'd polished off my table's bucket almost by myself, I gulped Amanda's Bud Light. I don't like beer ("Please - I'm far too gay for beer right now. I'm in a Blondie t-shirt, fer cryin' out loud," are the words I recall saying). My memory restarts at the point at which I heard myself clink her mug on the table. What? Nobody else was drinking it.

Exhibit C: I didn't get the pun inherent to the sticker until I started this post today. The red light still works, by the way. I also got a little keychain/bottle opener.

The people rest their case. The defense would plead The Fifth, but that might just lead to a shot or two. Deliberations may begin.

-J.

This post was sponsored by the No More Italics Committee.