As a result of recent experiences, I’m establishing some strict policies if I ever open up a venue that hosts comedy and/or music. They are as follows:

1. No children. We won’t ever be doing children’s amateur night, so there’s no reason to drag your kid out past his bedtime.

2. Yes, we have a bar. Yes, you may drink. If you start talking loudly and bothering other patrons, we won’t throw you out. We’ll call the police and have them taser you. Then they can throw you out. No refunds.

3. Heckling or singing along loudly at any time will result in the same fate as generic drunken loudness (see punishment above). If the performer wants audience participation, they’ll ask for it. So until then, hold onto to your “A” material like, “Freebird!” and “How hot was it!?”

J.