Why It Rules To Be A Superhero!

My fascination with superheroes (apparently a jointly held trademark of Marvel & DC Comics) is well -documented. Since I've been on a real kick lately (In addition to my usual toy addiction, I've even bought some comics recently!), I decided to cheap out with a list serving as tonight's post.

10. Super Powers - Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? Nope. Can I? Not unless a clown's chasing me. But since 1939, Superman has been listing this on his resume. X-Ray vision would be a gold mine to our perverted friends and let's face it, who hasn't wanted to be able to fly while sitting in traffic? Personally, I'd want the ol' telepathy/telekinesis combo. Moving objects from afar (remote control, anyone) and reading/manipulating people's minds? High on my list. I never said I would be a super hero if the opportunity arose...

9. Secret Identities - Peter Parker can bungle around and always manages get the best shot of Spider-Man. Bruce Wayne is an unmarried millionaire and the worst anyone suspects is that he's an alcoholic or deep in the closet. If you or I could use our pathetic lives as a mere cover-up for a truly exciting nightlife, maybe we'd complain less. I know I would. OK, I wouldn't, but I'd be nicer about it.

8. Hidden Hideaways - Think of it as the ultimate tree-house or fort you never had as a kid. The Batcave, The X-Mansion...hell, Wonder Woman has an invisible plane!!! Most of us can only unplug the phone, pretend we never got the email, and call in sick to work. All of our escape options pale in comparison to intergalactic travel and hiding on the astral plane.

7. Arch-Enemies - Come on, admit it: you always wanted one.

6. Celebrity - Yes, indeed, superheroes are famous; iconic even. Not only would you have public adoration (although Ann Coulter would find some reason to hate you, no doubt), think of all the free swag that come you way! And unlike actors or politicians, you'd actuall do things that deserve all of the attention and praise. Which would you vote more noteworthy - stopping the plot of a madman with a frozen smile or being a madman with a frozen smile and a cult membership card to prove it?

5. Sidekicks - All of the work, so little of the glory. Sidekicks (or "hero support" for those of you who have seen Sky High) are nimble and adorable, walking 'n' wisecracking targets; built-in bait for you to set out. If well trained, the assistance can come in handy in a fight. I also imagine they're good at running errands like picking up dry cleaning and hiding bodies and such. And when you're ready to retire, you can pass on the family business. You'll have to develop thick skin to shrug off the rumors but ain't nobody's business but your own.

4. Weaknesses - Sure, the deadly effects of Kryptonite or having your hands bound (look it up - it was once Wonder Woman's nullifying weakness) sucks. But if you've only got one, it's only fair that A) it's a big and B) it's not common. To be felled by the common cold or something like fire (pity the poor Manhunter from Mars) would just be humiliating.

3. Immortality - Ever notice that they just don't age? More to the point, they don't die (and if they do, most don't stay dead). With the exception of immortal Amazons, this defies logic, except in soap operas and comic books. Whatever the reason, fighting Nazis in World War II and managing to also see the turn of the millenium without so much as a gray hair would kick ass.

2. Be Your Own Boss - There will be times, as with all of those who are self-employed, where the demands of your customers cuts into your personal time. But stopping an out of control train or a meteor heading for Earth still beats the hell out of punching the clock and answering to a pencil-pushing micromanager who...I'm sorry, I promised myself I'd keep this post free of my issues. Almost made it!

1. Make A Difference - Unless you've got the fortitude of Mother Teresa, your day-to-day business is never going to affect a whole planet at once. If you're lucky and dedicated enough, you might have the ripple effect and see postive results from your work eventually. But if you could get vaccines and food around the world fast than Santa delivers useless toys to kids, you'd see immediate results. Thinking globally and acting locally would be easy, since everything's local when you can break the sound barrier. The good karma and publicity couldn't hurt. If Heaven exists, you'd had a business-class seat. If not, at least you'd get to go on Ellen.

That's all I can manage tonight. See you all in Bizarro World!

-J.

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