Hey! When did Monday happen?

Wasn't I supposed to post last Thursday? Maybe I should change the name of the blog to Hot & Fresh (When I Feel Like It) - Almost Daily is an out-and-out lie lately. Anyhow, much anticipated or not, I have some stories to convey. No promises, but I'll give my best shot at a Tuesday Two-fer posting to make up for the slack in last week's blogging.

. . .

Now where were we? Ah yes, Family Karaoke night at my favorite dive with an open mike: Sardo's. Sandwiched between a Bank of America branch and a donut shop in a shopping center that houses a Vons Marketplace, this is hardly the place most people would envision spending a Saturday night, but oh! how you would be wrong, dear reader. Sardo's is the place. Hipsters may like Dimples (their website, by the way is filled with lies. They are nowhere near "Downtown Burbank"!) because A) they give rookies a free tape of their first performance and B) they broadcast the "best" of the week on the local public access channel. But the drinks are overpriced and the place is usually way overcrowded. Sure, I once saw Dweezil Zappa, but I can hardly get starstruck over someone who dated Lisa Loeb, isn't really famous, and, most importantly, who my mother taught in the sixth grade. (Mom reports that Frank Zappa was the coolest parent conference ever. She loved him and his wife and always talks about how smart and unappreciated he was. I don't think she ever really listened to his music, but I'd much rather talk about this than her Barry Manilow collection...)

Anyhow, back to local dives and their karaoke. The reason Sardo's rocks harder than any other place is the crowd. As with all bars, specifically the bars of a karaoke variety, Sardo's has its regulars. At my birthday event last year, we had a time of epic proportions. (That's me to the right, belting "I Love Rock N Roll" under the influence of several tequila shots. The picture is at least 15 lbs ago, by the way!) The highlights included the Princess' date's rednition "You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'" in a full-on falsetto that still makes my vocal chords ache and FB's take on "Proud Mary" with yours truly on backup vox. By far, our favorite was a fella who did Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" - he even moved like David Byrne. It was amazing and we were still talking about when he walked into the bar this last Friday.

Fridays are a little different at Sardo's. Whereas every other night of the week, karaoke starts off at 9p, it begins at 7p on the night to kick off your weekend. "Why," you ask? Because it's Family Night, of course! That's right, parents are encouraged to bring their mopheads along to the local watering hole to watch Daddy belt out "Forever" by Kenny Loggins (I'm not making that up by the way. He was admittedly pretty good, but he was waay too into the song.) I expected to see kids belting out their favorite hits like "Old McDonald," a Disney tune, or possibly even a Hilary Duff number. Was I ever off base.

The first kid up - nine or ten years old at most - knew all of the words and inflections to his chosen tune: "Love In An Elevator." He was so adorable you almost forgot how inappropriate it is to listen to a child sing "Lovin' it when I'm goin' dowwwnnnnnn...." Almost. What did make me forget was the kid who followed him on the lineup (after a short interlude by the aforementioned Kenny Loggins opus).

Three simple words, folks: Baby. Got. Back.

Between laughing and staring in horror, FB wondered aloud how a kid who was still breast-feeding when Sir Mix-A-Lot recorded the follow up, "Put 'Em On The Glass" could possibly know all of the words to his ode to big booty. It was about then that the tyke started an ill-advised attempt at break dancing as he declared, "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun!" All discussion ceased to be possible for at least ten minutes. A few adults went up with mostly forgettable numbers (notable exception: a tranny in a tube top who really should have reconsidered two things: exposing her flabby midsection and attemption Journey's "Faithfully." When in doubt, go with "Don't Stop Believin'" - the crowd can sing along and cover your imperfections, at least the vocal ones) before the final kids number was upon us. An all-star lineup (BGB Boy, Elevator Lover, and two girls who must have sung before we got there) gave their all to Alice Cooper's "School's Out" - oddly, the most appropriate number of the evening at that point.

When the adults took full control of the evening, the usual karaoke hilarity began. A cute guy in flip flops and board shorts showed his hand and confirmed the ping on my Gaydar^tm when he gave us a convincing take on Grammy winner Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" - he later drove the point home by duetting with an equally homoriffic fiend on "Beauty & The Beast." He was Celine. The Princess' date reprised his signature and danced the night away again. Yours truly was a hit with a spot-on (if I do say so myself) "Unchain My Heart" that could give Jamie Foxx a run for his money. And the Psycho Killer guy did the freakiest version of the Bee Gee's "Tragedy" you've ever heard (just imagined Sid Vicious and Björk duetting from within one body). Still, the clear winner of the evening was the second, far more enjoyable Kenny Loggins number. You really haven't lived until you've seen a guy, at least 6'4", flail and kick to "Footloose" - at least I hadn't lived until that moment. I also thought I might lose an eye since he nearly kicked off his dancing shoes in my direction a few times.

So the next time you and your friends visit L.A. and feel like a good time in Burbank, look me up. I am more than available if you ever need someone to sing the hook to "Gold Digger."

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Pass The Mike Committee.