What it feels like for girl who just wants to have fun

Has anyone else noticed just how many women out there profess not get along/trust with other women? The roommate (FB to those of you who've been reading for a while) mentions how at school he hears this all the time. Most of the girls in question are late teens/early twenties. This weekend, my dearest girlfriend (we used to call her The Princess 'round these parts) was detailing out her plans for a trip with three good friends - an all-girls trip to Mexico. I told her how much I respected her for not being "one of those girls." We talked about how many women we've known - old, young and in between - can't or won't make friends with women. She relayed how much she enjoys time with her girlfriends. I, for one, can't imagine her not having them. For that matter, I can't imagine not having girlfriends to laugh out loud with and push out of the way to get a glimpse of some hot guy at the mall.

But that's not to say I can't relate.

There was a time, not long ago, when I thought I didn't get along with other gay guys, save the aforementioned roommate. One of my oldest friends used to joke that the biggest obstacle in my love life was homophobia - my own. He wasn't that far off. I'll admit that it came down to much of what last week's post dealt with: a fear of perceived queerness and of being stereotyped as such. Nothing more demeaning than being labeled "less than..." something. Especially when that something happens to be your masculinity.

The badge of honor I wore in high school and for a few years after was that plenty of people I was out to would mention how I was "normal" or " not like other gay guys" and that was why we got along great. Yes it's true, I don't now nor did I then "queen about," singing show tunes or lecturing on the genius of Judy Garland. But there's nothing wrong with that if it's who you really are. These folks might as well have said, "You're not a fag, so it's OK that you dig guys." Real back-of-the-bus treatment when you get down to it. My response should have been, "Fuck you," followed by a gentle explanation. Instead, for a while at least, I mistook this as progress. In my case, not being out to my parents will make me feel that such token acceptance was good enough.

I've learned since then that tokenism is, by it's very definition, worthless. The catch is, the people who would label you already have and probably won't stop no matter how "straight acting" you are. It's not you there's something wrong with, it's them. Which brings us back to the issue with women relating to one another. When it comes to the girls, very often the old adage about safety in numbers gets thrown out the window (except when they go to powder their noses, but I digress...).

Maybe they competed for their father's affection with their own mother or their sister(s). Maybe, in their mind, they don't stack up in some way to the other girls. Maybe it's because they feel the playing field is more level when they're "one of the guys." I think there's tons to that last one for the record. Let's face it, to succeed in the world, women very often have to suppress their feminity, their "womanity" as I call it. Being female is equated with being weaker. Which is crap on all sorts of levels.

No matter what, though - it all results in just about the same thing. As we crisscross lines and try to fit in where we have to rough off smooth edges and such, we not only lose a little of ourselves, we lose plenty of what we could learn from others.

In time, I found plenty of friends who could care even less about how queeny I might be or might not be, as the case may be. I've managed to befriend some great guys who happen to be gay - varying shades of flamboyancy* - and am all the better for it. Women who refuse to associate with other women miss out on the same. The answer isn't to try and be someone else or to retreat from getting out there because of your fear of being pigeonholed. The answer is: force yourself upon a world that doesn't think it's ready for you. It may not be. Ready or not, here you are. You and the world both lose out if you hold back.

And with, I am off of my soapbox and headed to bed.

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Gettin' Preachier Than Ziggy Committee.

*I totally think this should be spelled flambuoyoncy, instead...