This End Up*

How to start this one? I'll say it. I've found that in general, gays tend to discriminate against their own. At the core of it is an odd push and pull between the inclination to be a little feminine and the societal demand to "man up." There's no denying a general focus on appearance in the "mainstream" gay community. The pressure to look a certain way is very much like what women in our society go through. But it goes beyond that.

What I find weird is the way the word "bottom" gets thrown around as a quasi-insult. I've got my own issues with labels, especially sexual ones, but that's not really what this is about. The idea seems to be that being on the receiving end of sex somehow makes you weaker, inherently less than...something. What that something is, I'm not sure. As far I'm concerned, whether your a bottom for life or just for the evening, you're fifty-percent of a sex act. How does this define you other than this moment? And what does anyone get out of using this inclination against you?

As best as I can tell, it comes down to the masculinity issue - gender straitjacketing if you will. Ideas placed upon on us by an overwhelmingly heterosexual society enforce the idea that men do this, women do that. By and large, these ideas are crap. And the idea of gays, on the margins of said society, buying into these ideas is worse. Because really, where do such labels get us? Broken up into further subdivisions.

After all, at the forefront of "traditional" thought is that it is inherently unmasculine for men to be attracted to one another. Their own insecurity about violating this rule leads some self-professed "tops" to feel the need to look down on those who they label "bottoms" (whether they choose that label or not). I got a newsflash for these guys: you've got options. I'll assume you have two working hands at your disposal. Do the math. There's also toys out there just for you. Rubber is neither feminine nor masculine and it'll never be too nelly or fey for your taste. It will also never expect you to reciprocate.

The final option is a bit more radical and requires more tools than the mere physical. Ready for the revolution? Grow. The. Fuck. Up. Spend less time worrying about the sexual inclinations of others and realize that much of the world has been too worried about yours for far too long. Lose the pettiness, the labels, and just be. Be who you are: the labels in question could be switched out so easily for "gay" and "straight" or any other host of illogical comparisons you'd like to make.

You know what they say about protesting too much. I can't help but make the same assumption I'd make about an overly homophobic "straight" guy here. Maybe there's a certain amount of jealousy that plays a part. In any event, the only real bottom as far I'm concerned is the part of the barrel that's being scraped.

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Squarely In The Middle Committee.

Smirnoff on my window

Short but sweet tonight. (Like anyone reads a blog on Fridays...)

Local vodka bandits (on hiatus since October 2005) are on a reunion tour. Last time around, they had one of the flavored ones. Now they've stepped down to the garden variety. Still a step up from Potter's vodka, though. Seriously, drinking Smirnoff out of a plastic bottle is like smoking Basic cigarettes in a soft pack instead of a box: undeniably ghetto, but you gotta do what you gotta do if you're addicted, right?

I'll stick to sneaking flasks into movie theaters , thank you very much.

No updates on the kissing buddy yet. If anything interesting comes of that and is shareworthy, it'll go here. Who knows? It may actually provoke a weekend blog. See you when.

-J

This post was sponsored by the Does Nobody Drink Out of Paper Bags Anymore? Committee.

Today was far less hectic than yesterday. FYI: the scorched wreck is still there. The traumatized driver left a note to try and make sure it wasn't towed. Probably needed the insurance pictures before letting it go to junk. I almost took a picture of the note, but I thought better of it. Then when my conscience was asleep, I took a break and went out with the camaraphone. Sadly, the note had flown away no windshield and therefore no wiper. Cue the music: So you had a bad day...

***

Hey, does anyone remember when I told this story? After twenty some years, I actually found my first grade kissing buddy - online of course. I have to say that he's changed a lot. He seems like a cool guy, even if he is straight. (Can't help but feel a little cheated there. Who wasn't rooting for that improbable story when J. meets the love of his life - again? OK, maybe just me.) But the face and the sleepy eyes are pretty much how I remember them. I haven't messaged much, just a "Hello. My GOD it's been a lifetime or six." I'll keep posting about this one as it develops. I mean, how often do you reconnect with your first kiss ever? It is a little more emotional than I expected. Not in a bad way, just more than I expected to feel and remember.

Then again, I usually try not to feel too much. So even a little might seem like a lot to me. That whole sentence came off way dirtier than I expected...

***

As a result of my unepxected encounter, I'm running low on functional thoughts for tonight so I'm gonna close up shop and actually get to bed before 1am. Tomorrow, I've got a priceless picture that should yield a decent post. See you then!

-J.

This post was sponsored by the Boiz II Men Committee.

Burnt. Out.

The car to my left was still smoking and spewing toxic ash when I passed it on my way in to work this morning. I felt like it looked for most of today. The phone on my desk wouldn't stop ringing and my boss (whose voice I love to hear say mean things about everyone else and then giggle) had laryngitis. The day was so busy and so nerve-racking that I almost didn't get to enjoy the fact that perhaps the stupidest person I've ever worked with quit in a huff when he found out he was going to get a verbal warning. For tardiness. Nothing permanent, just a "Don't be late anymore, Mmmkay?" And he quit. The truth is that management were clearly building a case to fire him, but with that in mind, maybe he should have just started scouring the classifieds before storming off. Anyhow, he won't be missed. Not just because his very presence made everyone else have to work harder to compensate. Not just because he always had food stuck in his braces and bad breath to go along with it. Not because he talked at a frequency only dogs and gay men (yup, like me!) could interpret when he got upset. Actually, wait - for all of those reasons he won't be missed. Also, he occasionally made eyes at me. Eeewwww..... The freaks always do; it's rare that normal guys find reason to. Seriously, it's happened once in the last two years. But I digress: the moron's exit saved me from having to hide a body or confess to a crime I never would have felt guilty about. I shouldn't say that. Morons deserve better than to be compared with him.

****
Tonight's American Idol wasn't nearly mean enough for me. I find it hard to believe that Memphis had that many good singers compared to the number of freakazoids. As usual, I'm crying out for more crazy Paula and more costumes! The roommate (some of you might remember him as the blogger formerly known as FB) and I were thinking that we should audition next year as a duo. We were thinking of a guy-on-guy Sonny & Cher act singing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Alas, I will be too old next season - this is after all, the year I bid farewell to my twenties. Is it stuck-up to say I look damn good for almost 30? Oh well. This almost 30 year-old doesn't care.

****
The cold finally snapped this week. It's not the drop in temperture that really bothers me. I can manage with an extra layer while exposed to the elements. It's just that when the sun's out, I expect it to be warm. The West Coast weather gods should always keep in mind that L.A. is all about appearances. Actually, warm looking but frigid is a pretty accurate description of much of the city. I think I may have to go create a personal ad just so I can use that as a heading.

And with that, I'm off to my distraction for next hour or so. Yes, like an unwelcome ex or that uncle you thought died years ago, my insomnia is back. At least insomnia can be treated without having to repress memories or take out restraining orders.

'Night!

J.

This post was sponsored by the Insomniac On The Floor Committee.

Monday evening (sort of) chatter...

I used to have a five to seven minute walk to work. When I switched jobs in September, I began a daily ride on a bus that eventually ends up in Hollywood. The ride itself is usually no more than 15 minutes, twenty if there's extra pickups. I don't actually have to leave my house until about 7:45a, so oddly enough, I'm sleeping more. I attribute this to the fact that I let my waking distance privileges fool me into thinking I needed less sleep than I actually do. I'd love to regale with stories of various one-night stands and drug binges, but the truth is I was usually reading or surfing Wikipedia to see what Esther Rolle's life was like before and after Good Times.

Anyhow, as random as this may seem to anyone, the point is, I think that I've begun to fool myself again. Last night I found myself deciding where to put pictures and rearranging sock drawers past 1am. Tonight I find myself blogging past midnight and searching out June Lockhart. Yes, I get on kicks wondering whatever happened to TV's moms. Don't try and analyze me.

****

A couple of weeks ago I developed a nasty ear infection. Which surprised the hell out of me, because I didn't realize adults actually got ear infections. As a child, I had them all the time. I went on antibiotics so many times that I think bacteria had been plotting it's revenge for the past twenty or so years. I woke up one Monday not knowing why my ear felt like Van Gogh had used me for practice. Upon looking it up, I determined that unless the pain got worse and it didn't clear up, I would just stay in for a few days and not see a doctor.

I should have seen a doctor - he might have given me a note letting me out of work. You see, my boss - who I'm actually good friends with was out that week on jury duty. She's also the only backup for certain systems that I have access to, making it necessary for one of us to be there on any given day. Team player that I am, yes, I dragged my ass into work and ran the reports and sent off the files that needed to be done. Then I went home and slept.

The thing that sucks about an ear infection, at least my ear infection, is that your ear is ringing and you have a dull pain inside of your head. TV is out of the question - not only was it always too loud, but I could hear the high pitch frequency it emits. This also made the computer my enemy (it still was until this week). Worse still - my iPod was usable, but only in the good ear. This, I must say, had it's upside. I heard some interesting mixes of songs that helped me pick out some lyrics and chords I'd never noticed before. Another upside? When I felt better, I went out for tacos and margaritas with the work crew. The Big Boss came along and bought a couple of rounds. She said that she was so impressed with my showing during my illness, that she wasn't even going to count any of of my time off. Lo and behold, my paycheck told me that she made good on that one. So the day my bled a little (it's normal, I checked) wasn't for naught.

****

And on a final note, I just to make this clear: I love the American Idol auditions. I have long held that the show is only worth watching in the first few weeks, when the costumes, attitudes, and delusions are at the all-time high. If you want you fifteen minutes that badly, I reserve the right to laugh at you when drunk Paula falls off of her chair or Simon makes a face. After this point, I just can't follow. A bunch of B-rate singers thanking their "fans" and mangling Stevie Wonder tunes just isn't my cup of tea. They have karaoke bars for that - and the cheap booze is preferable to Seacrest any day of the week.

Until next time,

J.

This post was sponsored by the Let Me See Your Esther Rolle! Committee.